Photo by Larry Kuzniewski
It's that time of year again, the time when you're sitting around compiling a big spreadsheet of all of the people you're obligated to provide with some sort of holiday gift. The spreadsheet stresses you out a little, sure, and you aren't sure whether the dog groomer is still on the $10 gift level or whether she's moved up to the $20 level because of how much better Noodles the cocker spaniel looks this year. But what about the Grizzlies in your life, the professional basketball players who represent our fair city so proudly on a night-in, night-out basis? What do they want for Christmas? Is that Cheesecake Factory gift card from Target going to offend Tony Allen's sensibilities?
This is a carefully researched gift guide, right up with the ones Memphis magazine actually allows to be put in print (I'm sure that was an oversight and next year this guide will be in the magazine as well). Here goes:
Mike Conley: Not to be injured anymore.
Brandan Wright: Not to be injured anymore.
Chandler Parsons: Not to be injured anymore.
James Ennis: Not to be injured anymore.
Vince Carter: Not to be injured anymore.
Boy, that got grim in a hurry, didn't it? Let's just say injuries are an issue for our local pro squad at the moment and move on.
Marc Gasol: For Mike Conley not to be injured anymore.
Gasol's having a career year under new head coach David Fizdale, but he'd clearly prefer that his best friend be back in the floor with him. Gasol also likes Three 6 Mafia records and could also use the most expensive Whole Foods gift card you can find. He's quite a large person. Lotta calories.
Tony Allen: Harry Potter's Cloak of Invisibility.
Think about how many more steals and blocks Allen would have if he were playing at the same frenetic pace, but also happened to be completely invisible. he could kick Chris Paul in the face with impunity. He'd be the Defensive Player of the Year, except no one would be able to see him when he showed up to collect his trophy. Harry Potter is totally real, and the NBA rules don't expressly forbid invisibility cloaks from competition, so I'm sure he'd be fine.
JaMychal Green: A renewed subscription to The New Yorker.
Big fan of cartoons with non sequitur captions. Go figure.
Zach Randolph: Elbow pads.
Sometimes you place a well-timed elbow in your opponent's midsection right before you go up for a rebound, but you catch your funny bone and then you're trying to make a layup with a hand that's completely numb. That's no good. Randolph presumably doesn't feel pain, given the amount of it he both takes and dishes out on a nightly basis, but I'm not sure what else he wants. This is the "Everybody always needs good socks" of NBA Christmas gifts.
Troy Williams, Wade Baldwin IV, Andrew Harrison, Deyonta Davis: A complete set of four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costumes.
Technically none of the Grizzlies' rookies are teenagers (Deyonta Davis turned 20 five days ago) but they've all contributed this season, something the Grizzlies aren't necessarily used to from young guys. There will be an extended squabble over who gets to be Raphael, but in the end, the Christmas gift will actually be part of an elaborate rookie hazing in which the Grizzlies leave the four young men in Sacramento with no change of clothes but their Raphael, Michelangelo, Leonardo, and Donatello suits. If you're feeling especially generous, splurge for the premium costumes with the real plastic shells.
Jarell Martin: To be included in the TMNT costume crew.
Martin only played a couple of months last season, and is basically a rookie in his own right, so he's going to be upset that he doesn't get to be one of the turtles. Here's a secret, kid: you've got millions of dollars in guaranteed income. You could buy the best Shredder costume that's ever been made. But only if you start finishing better at the rim; otherwise Santa might leave you a lump of coal.
Troy Daniels: A nice new edition of The Great Gatsby..
When Daniels was struggling to find his shot early in the season, he and Fizdale apparently had a running joke about green lights. When asked what color green the light needed to be for him to start taking more shots, Daniels replied, "Money green." I sort of already made this joke, but I'm going to do it again: how do you have a conversation about green lights and not come up with some reference to one of America's great novels? Daniels needs a new copy of this because he wore his out thinking about East and West Egg and what it all means before going out and shooting 63% from three against New Orleans.
