In a city known for its characters, perhaps none so successfully steals the spotlight, literally, as Sister Myotis. Imagine Saturday Night Live's "church lady," but with a Southern accent, floral ensembles in colors only bees can see, on a fire-and-brimstone mission from God. Behind the wig and the cotton dresses is Myotis' creator Steve Swift, 39, who, in addition to working full-time at a local nonprofit, has garnered a cult-like following in the character that arose from his involvement in the local theater group Voices of the South. Myotis became a pious promoter of the shows produced there, and her appearances soon evolved from bit-part player into a one-man (woman?) show. With tongue firmly in cheek, Swift, channeling the wise and godly Myotis, took a few minutes out of her busy casserole-making, soul-saving day to talk to us about love, marriage, and cotton panties.
How long have you been married?
I've been married to my husband Herschel for nearly 44 years. But like a lot of young women I was innocent and naïve, dreaming about wearing a pretty dress and then sharing pigs in a blanket and fruit punch with friends and family at the church Fellowship Hall. But because of my inexperience, I didn't realize that "pigs in a blanket" was gonna take on a whole new meaning after saying "I do."
What's the most challenging part of staying married?
One thing that I learned is that if you're wanting to have a family, there is just some things that you're gonna have to endure. But you certainly don't have to enjoy it!
What about temptations and urges? My only temptations are potted meat, saltines, and mayonnaise. Herschel's is that he gets too focused on "witnessing." He has a real burden for unsaved golfers, and sometimes stays in Overton Park until 3 a.m.!
Is there a right time or age to marry? Before you get pregnant!
When, if ever, should you leave your spouse? Only if you're headin' to the guest room! Between Herschel's snoring and his big yeller toenail scratching my leg, there has been many nights when I've took to another bed.
Will getting a divorce send you to a fiery afterlife? There are a lot of people that's gonna need to slip a can of burn spray in their casket for a lot of reasons, and divorce is one of them.
What about adultery? Is that going to send you "down there?"
I am supportive of all people acting like adults, especially children. There should be no punishment.
Tips for an ailing marriage? I would warn ladies that from time to time, your husband may ask you to do certain things that shall go unspoken in this wholesome magazine. And despite what he may tell you there is nothing that can be accomplished standing up, stooping over, squatting, or hanging from the ceiling fan that can't be done just as effectively laying flat on your back!
So sex is important in a marriage.
This is a controversial subject. I call it "doin' the shame." There are times when I'll be laying there making out my grocery list, thinking about my Sunday school lesson, and I get to, you know, tingling. But no matter how hard temptation calls, avoid it at all costs. Trust me, if your husband thinks you're enjoying it you'll never get to sleep before nine!
Any advice for newly married women? A lot of brides will find their new husband begging 'em to slip on a lacy bra, sexy nightgown, or God forbid, a pair of thigh-high boots. But I want to assure you young ladies that there ain't nothing that can be done wearing sinful clothing that can't be done just as well by just discreetly slipping open your flannel housecoat!
So no visits to Victoria's Secret? No! They sell them thong panties! Thongs are gateway panties leading to immoral conduct. Always wear good, wholesome Christian panties with a wide cotton panel.