Year-in-review columns are easy. Prophecy is hard, but what the heck. Here’s a month-by-month look ahead at 2018.
January: For the first time in American sports history, a major-league franchise changed its name in the middle of an actual playing season, as the NHL’s reigning Western Conference champions, the Nashville Predators, were renamed the Nashville Chicken Wings. Said a team spokesperson: “Unfortunately, these days the word ‘predator’ leaves a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. No such problem with chicken wings!”
February: Almost-senator Roy Moore of Alabama is back in the news. President Trump tweets that the feisty Moore will be named press secretary, replacing Sarah Huckabee Sanders who says, “I am moving to Arkansas, where I may run for governor, but any questions are premature and irresponsible at this point in time.”
March: Business rocks. Memphis is not among the Final 200 for Amazon’s second headquarters. In the stock market, the FANG group — Facebook, Amazon, Netflix and Google — are up 30 percent and the Dow tops 30,000. FedEx rebuffs a takeover attempt by Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, who offers a trillion something-or-others in Bitcoin. “We have learned that drones are no substitute for airplanes in certain situations,” he admits. The Peabody rebrands as Peabody Airbnb, with rooms starting at $30 a night. The city of Memphis puts its aquifer up for bids. A Saudi prince bids $5 billion, Chip and Joanna Gaines of Fixer Upper fame offer to “make Memphis the next Waco,” and Jeff Bezos offers two trillion whatchamacallits in Bitcoin and free shipping for a year.
April: The Memphis Grizzlies finish the season with a record of 27-55 just three years after going 55-27. In rebuilding mode, the Grizz work out a blockbuster trade with the San Antonio Spurs who are preparing to battle the Cleveland Cavaliers, Boston Celtics, and Golden State Warriors for the NBA title. Memphis sends f-bomber, vegetable gardener, and Face of the Freakin’ Franchise Marc Gasol to the Spurs in exchange for his boring brother Pau and throw-in Rudy Gay. Hubie Brown agrees to coach the team next year.
May: The Shelby County primary election is held for the offices of mayor and mayoral stepping stones. The voter turnout is nearly double the number of candidates.
June: Gannett, owner of the USA Today Network, announces that it is halting publication of The Commercial Appeal as a print newspaper. In the online edition, now produced in a Gannett call center in Bangalore, the headline is “5 Things We Lurned about Pubellishing and Best Burggers.”
July: Global warming makes Memphis almost as hot as southern California, now a scorched desert.
August: The University of Memphis announces a change in its football schedule, adding a “bonus game” against the University of Tennessee at Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium on an open date. “Frankly,” says UM coach Mike Norvell, “It’s a mismatch but we need to make sure we get six wins to be bowl eligible.” The Vols, under athletic director and interim coach Phil Fulmer, obtain a special NCAA “graduate exemption” for Peyton Manning to play one more game and “get some payback for 1996.” Fulmer announces UT is dropping the Alabama game for Bristol Prep Academy starting in 2020 and petitioning to leave the Southeastern Conference.
September: Dow 40,000.
October: Shades of 1929 and 1987. The stock market crashes. Amazon trades under $1,000.
November: At Trump’s urging, Republicans in Congress, backed by the reconstituted 11-member Supreme Court, cancel the mid-term elections. Senator Bob Corker is “troubled.” Trump says reports of moving the Capitol to Trump Tower in Manhattan are “fake news, for now.”
December: So it ends, not with a bang or a whimper but with a presidential tweet — “Lock Her Up!!!” As missiles fly, talking heads at Fox News, ESPN, and CNNMoney discuss the impact the apocalypse will have on the Super Bowl.
